Step 1. Pick a Theme or Reason.
Does everyone remember the themed parties of “Under The Sea” or “Bungle In The Jungle” perhaps? I sure don’t and that’s because they’re terribly disappointing and ridiculously lame. For the power and lustful sex-drive of 1990’s Mark-E-Mark, don’t let that be you. Even if you want to throw a party for no good reason, that’s still a reason! Classic themes like holidays, going away parties, or cool style dress-up will never die. No one wants to dress up in the same outfit they’ll wear to church in a few days. No one wants to dress up in their parents favorite 70’s clothes or like an aspiring clown. Just don’t go there. When you pick a theme or reason, make very sure that it will be memorable or soon enough, you won’t be.
Step 2. Girls.
Guys show up to a party for one reason and one reason only. Girls… and food. OK, two reasons. But mostly girls. And, here’s the funny thing – so do girls. Girls will show up for the guys too, but for whatever reason when a girl shows up at a party, the first thing she looks for are her girlfriends. Which, coincidentally, is the first thing a guy looks for too. So, this step is simple. If you want a lot of people at your party… make sure a lot of girls show up. If a guy walks through the door, and the dance floor is full of other dudes, that might as well be a revolving door. If a girl walks through the door and doesn’t see all of her friends popping, locking and dropping, she’s gone. So remember friends, in the immortal words of Motley Crue: girls, girls, girls.
Step 3. Location, Location, Location.
Remember when you were 7 and you threw a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese and played video games till your eyes bled? I don’t. I never was fortunate enough in my life to actually go… BUT… that’s not the point here. I’m sure it was awesome. Picking a location of your party is like picking your outfit for the first day of school. It has to reflect your age, style, and social status. Never compromise your location for something that’s cheap, easy, or fast. If you do, you might as well plan your funeral because I guarantee that you’ll be socially dead within the first 2 hours. Pick a big location. A nice location. And please, for the sake of your social life at hand, a location that will be remembered for parties to come.
Step 4. Treats and Eats.
The second reason people show up to a party: free food. It’s always a good day when you don’t have to shell out your own cash to feed your face, and a hoppin’ party is the prime location. And, what better place to scope out the opposite sex than the chip check? Give your guests the confidence they need by providing them with the very best. No generic sodas or unsalted pretzels. A cold bottle of Apple Beer and your kick ass queso will get things moving nicely.
Step 5. Music.
There’s one main rule to this here. Dan Rather once almost said; “If you can’t get down to bizzizness, then don’t let it play.” Almost his words, not mine. No one comes to a party chalked full of good brews, delicious snacks, and fly hunnies to get in a Country Music Line. There’s a time for Rock, Punk, and even chill sounds… but not here. You need the hottest Rap, Hip-Hop, Pop, and Dance music God’s green Earth has to offer. Don’t let your party fall to the ugly pits of social shame. Make a Tupac* worthy play list that even Biggie would love and let the bass slap your face all night long.
*Tupac may or may not actually be dead. If the excitement over yet another freaking new Tupac CD strikes for more than an hour, please consult your physician. Playlists worthy of Tupac may be unsafe around pregnant mothers or children under the age of 9. Please do not use while operating a firearm.
Step 6. The Hype.
If you’re going to do this shin-dig properly, you need to get the word out. But, spreading the hype can be a delicate thing. If you invite people too soon, they’ll forget about it by the time the big day rolls around. But if you wait too long, they’ll already have plans. The key is to start generating the hype on a lower level before the official word goes out. Tell the key players and trust them to start spreading the rumor for you. Don’t give too many details right away, but we’ve found that the words “huge”, “crazy”, and “off the hook” plant seeds where you need them the most. Invites should be made official somewhere between 7-10 days in advance. These can be sent in the form of text messages, F-book event invites, phone calls, and high fives. Nailed it.
Step 7. The List.
So you’ve got the word out and everyone’s stoked out of their skulls, right? Good. But what if Bartholomew Longfellow tries to show up uninvited? Well you have to make a list to prevent such social outcasts from irreverently impregnating the hottest spot anyone has seen since David Bowie’s Dance Magic Dance throne room. Now, we all have people we can’t stand. The annoying, the rude, the stuck-up, the so queer that you literally want to punch yourself in the Promised Land so that no one with hair on their knuckles will ever want to touch you… so in order to eliminate them from breathing on your big moment, you must add them to the list. Have a trusted friend who shares your thoughts on the matter running the door. Or… tell a rather large and morbidly obese fellow who’s worked at Billy’s Bakery for the last eight and a half years to do it for free food and drink. Win – Win, my friend, my friend.
Step 8. Atmosphere.
Face it. Not everyone at your party is going to want the same thing. And, while you can’t appease them all, hosting the party means you have to try. You’ll want to have different rooms for different moods. The dance room, the food room, the crowd room, the rowdy room, the chill room. That last one’s important. Provide a quiet place that’s far enough away from the mayhem to be a safe-haven for those engaged in conversation or… other activities. If done correctly, party-goers will rotate with ease from room to room as the night rolls on. This will ensure that no one goes home early, or unsatisfied.
Step 9. The Look.
So, the big moment is quickly approaching. Have you thought about how you’re going to look? Sure, if it’s a themed party, you kind of already have your outfit idea more or less picked. You are the one throwing the party here, you have to look at your very best. If you don’t look equal to the birth child of David Hasselhoff and Kate Beckinsale, lounging by the pool on a bear skin rug on a lazy Sunday afternoon, well… you’ve failed. You’ve made it this far, so don’t blow it! Your goal of course is to be #1 but you literally have to be in the top 3 best looking and smelling people at this Mitzfa or you’re done for. When people want to know who’s idea this was, who’s the host, and they look at you… well you have to strike both lust and respect in their eyes. A perfect added touch would be to pay your token midget friend to walk around the party stating; “Paul, so hott right now, Paul.” and shaking his head with the poise of amazement and pride.
Step 10. Fun By Example.
It’s party time. People have started to arrive. What do you do now? You party. Don’t micromanage your party. People don’t want you hovering over their shoulder making sure they’re having a good time. Leave them be. Let loose and have fun. Shake your rump, and the others will follow suit. Drinks are going to be spilled, Grandma’s spoon collection is going to get broken, expect these things. And when they happen, don’t freak out. There will be plenty of time to examine the wreckage in the aftermath. Your primary action item tonight is to party. That’s it. And that’s all.
