How to Be a Bro in Ten Easy Steps

Step 1. The Handshake.

How can you tell when two guys have moved from friends to bros? It starts with the handshake. You move from the standard, run of the mill, “nice to meet you” handshake to something much, much cooler. This is usually done by holding your arm in a semi-vertical fashion and interlocking thumbs as you clasp your hands together. There are several variations on the bro handshake, often consisting of slaps, knuckles, and fives – both high and low. Bottom line: If you stop shaking hands and you start pounding it, dapping it, or giving bones… you’re well on your way to bro-hood.

Step 2. The Balance.

Everyone who’s ever been a bro knows about The Balance. We all love girls. We all want to be with them and try to every chance we get, right? Well… you need to find a balance. Part of being a good bro is being with the boys every chance you have. The girls will always be there, and more often than not, they come and go. Bros will be with you forever as long as you don’t turn your back on them. Have a girlfriend? Big Freaking Deal. She’ll still love you the next day if you take a night off to watch a lame movie or play video games with the womanless O.G.’s. After all, they are the ones that made you who you are today anyway. And if you can’t be away from your girl, plan big group hangouts where everyone is present. It’s really just as simple as we say it is. So in the words of teenage Mr. T; (Back then known as Jerome Clarkenson) “Don’t be a sissy.”

Step 3. Be a Wingman.

A good bro never leaves a man behind and, chances are, you’ll have some bros that just aren’t as fly with the ladies as you are. First, it sounds like they could use some “Ten Easy Steps”, but second – they’ll need a good wingman. That’s where you come in. Guide your bros by offering them your wing to fly next to. Show ‘em how it’s done first, and then let them take the lead while you provide backup. Lend moral support, build them up, and no matter what… never contradict them in front of the chick. You’ll have your time to shine, this is about hooking up a bro. When you’re leaving with your girl, you make sure your bro’s got one too, or else you don’t leave.

Step 4. Man Date.

So, it’s time for some quality Bromance right? Nice. Bonding is what being a bro is all about. Finding common ground, sharing unique experiences, getting in trouble with The Man, etc. A man date is a perfect way to increase your brotherhood. Bored one night? The girl not around? Man date that hippity hop. Go out to a movie together or out to eat. Go shoot some pool or 9 rounds at the local course. A guys night out is always a great idea, especially if you’re wearing slacks. In the 1993 issue of Yo Yo Ma, it states; “it’s only gay if you receive.” So don’t be worried about looking like a bunch of homos, because if you all “pitch” in, then everyone has a great time!

Step 5. The Bro Convo.

Alright, let’s break it down for a second. Let’s be real. Good bros are hard to find, and when you find one… never let go. Kate Winslet? Definitely not a good bro. (Nor was she very attractive in the nude, but we digress.) The bro convo is a crucial point in any brolationship. You need to know you can trust your bro with your thoughts, your feelings (Yes… guys have feelings. Now stop crying, you pussy.), and your deep dark secrets. These all come out in the bro convo. You’ll want to test the waters at first, throw something not too serious out there, see how your bro responds and then go from there. Once you know you can trust him, and he can trust you, feel free to open up. Give and take. Talk and listen. Now, you don’t want to have these little pow-wows too frequently, we’re not women here, but the occasional bro convo is a good way to strengthen those bro bonds.

Step 6. Sports.

One of the very best ways that men have bonded from boys… to bros… is through sports. From the first ever bro, Moses, to you… sports have brought bros together all over the world in every race, language, and common forms of crazy-go-nuts bigotry. Now, you have to find common sports that bros like to share. Basketball, Football, Baseball, etc. I don’t know a single bro who loves to grab a Yoohoo and sit around the Tele watching the WNBA. Playing sports will raise the bar on how to properly be a bro and increase your broship to a whole new level. Either playing a sport, watching one, or thumbing through a video game will suffice. Bonding bro-ness through sports is as cool as the other side of the pillow.

Step 7. Bro it UP.

Now that you’re bro-ness is increasing, you’ll need to make sure your talk matches your walk. Bros rarely refer to other bros by their first names. So how should you address your bros? Well, “Bro” is a good start. “Dude” is a close second. If it’s a black tie occasion, throw out the “Broheim”. “Playa”, “Dogg”, “Brotha”, “G”. These are all acceptable. Eventually you might even crown each other with nicknames. This is where true bro-ship lies.

Step 8. Be Brovocative.

Do things for a bro that he’s never experienced before. That’s the sign of a good bro. Take them places they have never been. Take them on crazy-spur-of-the-moment trips to Vegas. Give them a nickname if they have never had one before. (Make sure the nickname is cool… like Bruce, P-Bagg, or DJ Jenson. Not names like Cottonballs, Fag, or Notepad.) Cheer them on at a sporting event or double up with them on a hard earned date. There are so many ways to welcome a bro in to your Brociety. Think of how you would like to be treated by a fellow bro and use that as your guide. Soon enough you’ll be as hott a bro as the oh so effervescent and flowing locked Fabio in his 28 year old prime.

Step 9. Bail a Bro Out.

Frequently, a fellow bro gets into trouble. There are several ways this can go down. Money problems, girl problems, school problems, legal problems… whatever. If your bro gets arrested, take care of it. If your bro’s car breaks down, go pick him up. If your bro gets dumped, take him to Hooters. Got a bro who’s broke? Buy him some lunch. It’s what we do.

And above all else… ALWAYS tell your bro when he could do better. Don’t let him settle for the chick who looks like Ludo from Labyrinth. Tell him when he needs to take those goggles off. He’s your bro, he can do better, and it’s your responsibility to help him.

Step 10. NEVER, EVER, COCK BLOCK!

A friend of ours once said; “I will cock block my own father if I have to.”

That… is NOT a bro. Never, EVER, cock block your bro… or your father. I don’t care how hott she is, how desperate you are, or how funny you think it is… just don’t do it. There are close to 3 billion girls in this world. Sure, a lot of them are ugly or look like Condoleezza Rice’s conjoined fetus, but also a lot are pretty good looking too. Let your bro have this one. Please. He needs it and deserves it. He has unspoken dibs and was clearly there first. Be a good bro and support him on it. Never take that away from him. Cock Blocking is one of the most ridiculous and disgusting things you can do to a bro. It’s one of the unspoken and just about unforgivable sins there is in the notorious Bros Before Hos handbook given to each potential, true bro, at birth. Don’t be the bro harming equivalent of a baby-punching pedophile. Just don’t. Don’t go down in history as a Cock Blocker. If you do, you just may be forgotten.