How to be Cool in Ten Easy Steps

Step 1: Buy a cell phone.
Cell phones are the cool guy’s necessity. This isn’t just so your mom can feel reassured that you can contact her in case of an emergency. You must ‘cell phone up’, if you will, to attract the biggest fish in your pond.

Step 2: Wear designer jeans.
Only designer jeans can fully tell the fish in your pond what degree of cool you really are. Generally faded or perfectly shaped rips and holes not only say; “Hey, I’m cool, check me out.” but also show you’re willing to put out any cool vibe.

Step 3: Be employed, but don’t act like it.
It’s not having a job that makes you cool, it’s the income it brings. Nobody likes a working stiff, but nobody likes the homeless guy on the corner either. You have to find the happy (cool) medium between work and play. Don’t flaunt your wealth… but don’t hide it either. First you get the job, then you get the khakis, then you get the girls.

Step 4: It’s not the music you have, but how you listen to it.
People quickly forget what kind of ride you have by the beats thumping from your whip. Try sitting on the hood of your vehicle and look as if you were in deep thought, all the while, keeping a slight and oh so subtle head bob to the beat of the tune. A box of 3 isolated 15″ subwoofers will undoubtedly help. Open your hatchback for the full effect.

Step 5: T-shirts.
Nothing ups the cool factor of your wardrobe more than a nice selection of hip t’s. Put it this way, if your 7 shirts are each assigned days of the week, you need to expand your t-shirt horizons. Besides, you can’t sport your new designer jeans without properly taking care of the upper-body. Not too loose, not too tight, mix up the colors ’til you’ve got it just right.

Step 6: Hair.
From tight locks, dreadlocks, to corn rows in flocks… Any hairstyle can be cool if done right… or, not done right. Not caring is cool.(see step 9) Not caring about your hair is even cooler. Wake up in the morning and greet each new day with a pat on the head. Now stop. That’s all the styling you need to do. Let your hair have its own personality, now that’s cool. No one should ever tell your hair how to live its life. Not even you.

Step 7: Pretend you like people.
Nobody cares if you REALLY like them, they just want to feel like you do. So, put on that happy face and go tell the world how much they mean to you… even if you despise them. Pretending to be friendly with people who are far beneath you is one of the cultured arts of cool guys around the globe. Be nice to the ugly chick, her hot friends will see it and think you’re the cat’s pajamas. In all actuality, pretending is what being cool is all about. Fake it ’til you make it my friend.

**DISCLAIMER**
Never forget that you are PRETENDING! The danger here is actually convincing yourself that you like these people. And there’s nothing less cool than falling for the ugly chick. We’ve all seen how disastrous that can be.

Step 8: Bling.
Nothing is cooler than wearing your favorite T-shirt and draping a nice piece of metal around your neck. Make sure the metal is polished and very shiny. This added effect keeps girls mesmerized while you’re temporarily allowed to stare at other things besides their face. Generally, a yellow canary Jesus Piece will not only show that you have style, but show that you have “wow”, too much class to pass. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend and being iced out of control is a good thing. Make sure that your neck, wrist, and/or fingers are as cool as the other side of the pillow.

Step 9: Stop caring.
Remember that guy back in High School? The one with the letter jacket? He was cool. Wanna know why? It’s because he didn’t care about the letter jacket. Didn’t know that, did you?

See, you need the cell phones, and the jobs, and the jeans, and the hair, and the t-shirts, and the music, and the girls, and the bling. But the trick is not caring about it once you have it. Drop your cell phone on the ground. Go ahead, do it. Wear your jeans three times in a row without washing them. Skip work for no other reason than to sleep in. Cool guys need their sleep. Buy the provocative t-shirt. Sure, you may offend some people but you don’t care, remember? Download the unedited version of that rap song all the high school kids are getting pregnant to. Don’t call that girl back… at least, not yet.

And here’s the tricky part: Don’t care if anyone else thinks you’re cool. You’re only pretending to like them anyways.

Step 10: Stunt it.
If one thing above all things makes you cool, it’s stuntin’. Life’s short. Stunt it. Do something crazy that no one else will dare to do. After all, when you’re old and gray, no one will remember what you wore or who you dated, they will only remember what you did. Pee in a public fountain at the mall… stunt it. Do a 180 foot grab off the library steps… stunt it. Kiss the cute and shy blonde haired girl in the corner, flip off the crowd when you’re done, and take a hit of Rockstar… stunt it. When all is said and done, the stunts you pull are what will make you a legend. If this guide knows one thing for sure about being cool… It’s that legends are cool. Stunts = Legends = COOL. You want to be a cool guy? ‘Plan-B’ your rival, burn down his car, and take a drag till the Man comes with the fuzz. Not caring and doing what you want is what’s cool. No one ever tells you how to live your life, so live by your own rules, and sometimes, not even those.