Step 1: Get Ready.
Some people will tell you that the devil is in the details. Well, to them we say… the proof is in the pudding. Think about it.
Before you start to accessorize yo bad self, you need to get ready to do so. Take a shower. Dry yourself thoroughly. Put on some decent clothing. Do the hair thing… spikes, swoops, curls, whatever works for you. You’re about to go to work on the details, you need to look spruce. Get the rough draft done… we’re about to do some editing. Once you’re ready… and this is important… stand in front of the mirror, look yourself right in the eyes, and say “I’m ready. Let’s do this.”
Step 2. Lids.
If the Pope can wear a sick as cancer lid, then so should you. From classic lids like Mighty Max, Indiana Jones, Walker – Texas Ranger, Peter Pan/Robin Hood, and even Wesley Snipes in White Men Can’t Jump… Finding a cap that says who you are and what you’re all about is a must. Fedoras, Beanies, and especially Bandanas… Stunt it. Make sure that it matches your outfit or you could look like a tard. And speaking of which, if you wear a helmet, you know how important headgear can really be. Tilt it to the side, wear it backwards, or even flip it upside down. As long as you can look in the mirror and grin… you’re on the road to win. That rhymed. Unintentionally.
Step 3. Ice Ice Baby.
Every time we come ’round your city… we look better than you. Why? Bling… baby. If the sun is out, you need to be blinding everybody in sight. Find some ice that fits your style, and get to it. Jesus Piece? Word. Egyptian bling? Nice. A fully functional Flavor Flav time piece hanging around your neck? Ballin’. The right bling with the right threads will not only get you noticed, you had better believe it’ll get you play. And what’s better than play? We certainly haven’t found it yet.
Step 4. Kickin’ It Ol’ Skool.
If your wheels don’t have feels… you ain’t gonna fly. A fresh new and oh so clean pair of silky smooth kicks can and whill put you on the map. Think about it. When you were a kid, and you got a new pair of shoes, you felt like you could conquer the Earth. Same goes in today’s older and more grown up world. New sneakings can give you a confidence boost only an NBA Championship can match. Make sure when you stunt it, you don’t have any scuff marks. You wouldn’t drive your nice new car with old nasty tires and missing hubcap rims, would you? I would because I have to and I’m poor… but you’re not me. Be better than me. Do it.
Step 5. Watch Yo’self.
Sure, a timepiece around the neck is a good start, but you look a little weird when you’re bending over to check the hour. That’s for their benefit.. you need the time to be easily accessible so you won’t be late for your evening o’ fun. Deck out your wrist with something even Big Ben would be envious of. No vinyl bands or calculators allowed. Leave that stuff at the Star Trek convention. A nice, shiny watch will get you movin’ at warp 10. Plus, you can aim the glare of the sun off of the face to catch the eye of that special someone.
Step 6. Belts N’ Buckles.
In our opinion, if you’re wearing anything around your waist that’s not made of mesh, you need to sport a belt. From Doug Funny’s Qual Man to the times when fathers would whip their kids in the redded bare behind, belts have been the virtual “Shnizzit” of any ’round the waste conversation piece. However, the hardware that has withstood the sands of time however is the buckle that ties it all together. From ice cold sparkle, to things that spin and/or flash provocative messages, having the right buckle can knock off any awkward “I just saw the nastiest belly hair I’ve ever seen.” moment, to a “That is the sickest and most ill buckle I have ever witnessed with my beautiful blue eyes.” triumph.
Step 7. Technologic
In this day in age… Friday… it’s important to have the right equipment. Your electronic entourage has got to be legit. If you’re sporting the cell phone brick circa Saved by the Bell, that’s a good clue that you need to update your phizone. When you whip it out to dial, you want the heads turning for all the right reasons. Also, it’s important to always have your tunes close at hand. And, unless you’re going for the retro vibe with a portable 8 track player, you’d better be sure you’ve got the latest and greatest. A quick phone call to Steve Jobs should give you a good idea on where to start looking.
Step 8. Shasses and Glades.
If you’re gonna look legit, especially when the sun is smiling on yo flyness, you got to cover your eyes with the sickest frames and lenses available to mankind. From sunglasses to fake glasses, you have to get something that fits. If it doesn’t fit your face, you’ll soon become a disgrace… and McDonalds will be your kind of place… and other things that sound alike.
Anyway, if you look cool in a picture or that certain someone’s eye, then you’ve won this battle. Try some on and find the pair that yells your name. Punish those frames by introducing them to your face and let the beautiful friendship begin.
Step 9. Finger Lookin’ Good.
Seems like we’ve got all of the body parts covered right? Well, don’t leave out those bad boys that take care of all your business for you: your fingers. Make sure to save some shine for numbers 1 through 10. We’re talking about rings here. Don’t have enough for all 10? It’s cool… mix it up. Everybody’s got the ring finger covered. But you’re cooler than that. You go against the grain. We’ve found that the thumb and the pinky make for good ring resting. Choose some ring bling that appropriately represents your flyness: CTR, WWDDD (What Would Donnie Darko Do?), your tri-state hacky sack championship ring… Think of your fingers as a mini-trophy case. This is where all the ladies look to see if you’re better than Francis Mcguftersonfieldsonson over there. And, you are. So, prove it.
Step 10. I Wouldn’t Do That If I Were You…
Now that you know what to do and where to wear it, let’s talk a little about what not to do. This could save your social life. I know it has for me…
Do not keep the ridiculous sticker on your hat which tells us what size your awkwardly large/small head really is. Congratulations, you now own a retro, flat billed cap. Keep the sticker off and in the garbage where it belongs. The only accessory that belongs on or about your feet is a shoe. Ankle bracelets and toe rings died along with the Titanic Movie so let’s please keep it that way. No one notices them anyway. If you’re not playing sports of some kind, for the mystical and beautiful face of John Stanley Stamos, don’t wear sweat bands of anykind, anywhere. You look like a figurative outhouse in suburbia. Never, ever, wear puka shell necklaces or any necklaces with shells of any kind. Let’s keep those buried in the 90’s with our Will Smith and LFO albums. And finally, guys… please… no more ponytails or Live Strong bracelets of any type. I don’t care if it’s the real deal or the knock-off other colored ones. If you put it on, you deserve a slap in the face by a tormented and confused oil rancher. Please listen to us, after all, so far… we really do know what we’re talking about.
